• MANAGEMENT IS WATCHING • TONYMART: TONYMERICA'S #1 EMPLOYER • NEW MEMOS HAVE BEEN ISSUED • MANAGEMENT IS STILL WATCHING • MANAGEMENT IS WATCHING • TONYMART: TONYMERICA'S #1 EMPLOYER • NEW MEMOS HAVE BEEN ISSUED •
TonyMart
TONY MART
Located in the Heart of Tonymerica
Career Opportunity
Work For Tony Mart. Lord We Understaff.
You need a job? We need employees. Let’s make it happen.
⚠ Notice: Tony Mart is currently operating with a skeleton crew. Not metaphorically. We are very short staffed. Please apply immediately. Management is tired.
0
Complaints Tolerated
100%
Surveillance
∞
Standards
“I love my job.”
— Former Fired Tony Mart Employee
“Cassandra is so beautiful.”
— Cassandra, Tony Mart Manager
“I am available Monday through Friday, 8:00am to 8:01am. Do not contact me outside of those hours.”
— Cassandra, Tony Mart HR
Competitive Salary*
Break Room Coffee
Free Headset
Dress Code (Enforced)
Job Security**
Parking Before 7AM
Management Won’t Yell***
Now Hiring (Probably)
Apply Now. We Dare You.
We do not collect personal information. This is TonyMart, not the government. Yet.
* Competitive means we set the bar. ** Subject to daily assessment. *** Yelling is subjective.
⚠️ Important Notice
TonyMart has a strict no-complaining policy. If you experience discomfort, confusion, or a general sense of being overwhelmed, please handle it quietly. Management will not be checking in.
Employee Portal
Check Your Schedule.
Schedules are final. They are always final. Do not ask.
YOU’RE HIRED.
Effective Immediately — TonyMart HQ
Your Employee ID
This is a fictional hiring experience. No real employment is offered or legally binding. No personal data is stored beyond your name and fictional employee ID.
YOU’RE FIRED.
Effective Immediately — TonyMart HR
“We had budget cuts. Which meant employee cuts. Which meant you. You got cut.”
We wish you well in your future endeavors. Please return your headset by end of day. The one on the third shelf. Not the second shelf.
SCHEDULE PENDING.
TonyMart HR — Workforce Management
Floor 1 · Rear
The Break Room.
Coffee is decorative. Chat is not. Employees only.
👑
Cassandra Admin Panel
Head of Human Resources — Store #0047 — Mon–Fri 8:00am–8:01am
Memo
Memo appears pinned above the chat for all employees.
Fire
Warning
Promote
Meeting
Slow Mode (30s between messages)
Hiring Freeze (disables Apply form)
Clear
Clearing removes all messages from that channel permanently.
⭐ Employee of the Week
Name
Why
Posts announcement in break room and pins banner above chat.
Ticker
Updates the scrolling ticker at the top of the site for all visitors.
Employees Only.
You need to be a TonyMart employee to access the break room. Apply on the home page to get your employee ID.
Already have an employee ID?
#general
The main floor. Keep it professional. Ish.
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Welcome to the TonyMart break room. Management is watching. As always.